Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

ㅤ

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

o shit

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off