Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.