Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Brb my Sims are getting married

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Bless you

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

*limbos under the caution tape

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg