Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.