Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company