@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

You Might Also Like

@nettie0918

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@kimtopher22

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@WilliamAder

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”