@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

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@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@Death_Buddy

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

@

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@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

@rebrafsim

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

@LosLos__

HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.

HR:

Me: Dr. Pepper.

HR:

Me: Redheads….?

*winks*

HR: Get out.

@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@BoomBoomBetty

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.