Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–
LAWYER: *plays dead*
BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.