My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”