[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
we all know this pain all too well