[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
When you can’t find your friend Neil
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I triple waxed for this?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.