Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

I hydrated. Surrender now.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.