[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.