[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I know
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
thinking about this
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did