Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.