Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I enjoy a good short stor

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..