Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Whoa 😂

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die