Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed