[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me