Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Coffee is ready.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.