Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

This raises questions

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise