Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

i’m still crying at this

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in