[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain