Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

perfect

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.