[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
this is the best interaction on twitter
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you