Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Times

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

liiiiiiiiike

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.