[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands