Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.