Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Is this anything

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

Breaking news:

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”