Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?