[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Oh we’ve met.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?