Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.