Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me