Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.