Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Get in loser we’re going crying

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct