[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running