Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.