It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

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At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
dracula: I will suck u dry
dracula: why do u keep giggling


If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up


some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor


Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.


Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.


Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.


Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”


*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”


[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.