[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*