Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Alexa turn off the planet

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of