[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*