@huntigula

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

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@ClichedOut

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@MatCro

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

@Darlainky

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*