@CliffDuffy Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
@huntigula [job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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@CliffDuffy 
@NYorNothing My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
@Matty_Softmitts I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
@vexroid All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
@SaveItForFest 99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
@david8hughes If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
@jellybnbonanza Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
@chuuew [Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
@Marcmywords2 *calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.