[job interview] Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don't move [plays 'In The Air Tonight'] [I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

@tchrquotes: Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.

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@Ty_Schutz: I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

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@BriarSly: "Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that's right...send.

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@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."

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@A_Bit_Too_Rude: *tweets about new invisibility cloak invention* *forgets where he left it*

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