[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it