Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I feel it

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.