*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.