Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.