Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me buying fruit and veg

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.