Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Oops I deleted….

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while