Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I drew y’all a little something.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body