Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

This line from Airplane.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!