Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*