Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

choose your gary

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Pickled cat.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

lot going on here, legally speaking.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.