Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Nose

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.