Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harsh but fair

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.