Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

i baked you a cake

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

Bro what is this

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.