@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

You Might Also Like

@mom_tho

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

@ibid78

I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.

@skickwriter

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

@ericsshadow

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

@Jam453Lane

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”