@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

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@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@randomover2

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

@bombsydoll

[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first

@murrman5

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@ewfeez

If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.

@mom_tho

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched