brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
You Might Also Like
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”
Translated from “be with you shortly”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?