[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
@ candidates for local office
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Blew my mind.