Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?