[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣