[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My favorite type of men is ramen.