Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me: