Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

#math

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?

student: dragons

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit