[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise