Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

he’ll never suspect a thing

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Anime is real

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.