[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.