Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

😂

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job