Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

this article brought to you by lions

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.