[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?