Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simple enough.

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

here we go again

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

But I really needed water water water

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁