Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You Might Also Like
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.