Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
🛁
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
They’re on their honeymoon
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am