Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

hi why am I like this

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”