Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

This is my pinned tweet

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it