Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.