[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s a gift
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!