@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

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@mattyglesias

Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@stonedcoldlazy

Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@TheTrueCam

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

@jwoodham

Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I’ve ever run.

@MikeDrucker

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.