@YourTumblrFeed

*job interview*
so tell me a fun fact about yourself

Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-

get the hell out

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@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@sarahclazarus

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

@InternetHippo

I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper

@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.

@IjeomaOluo

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.

Me:….A…..douchebag??

10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?

@OtherDanOBrien

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you