I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
so tell me a fun fact about yourself
Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-
get the hell out
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.
Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?
10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.
10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
God: it’s like a game
My ex was an absolute treasure.
By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you