Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.