[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.