Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

english majors be like furthermore

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

What.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.