Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.